"Because You Are Lazy"

Before I get into the reason for the blog title and my main motivation to write it, I just have a couple of fun paragraphs first: 

I have been lucky to have people ask what kinds of things we would like in care packages. First of all, we are so thankful for ANYTHING that comes our way. Seriously. You could send us just about anything and we will be happy to see mail from loved ones on the other side of the world! But, if you are feeling like you want some specific suggestions, right now we are all about candy and chocolate (which somehow does not seem to melt as other volunteers have successfully received) hand sanitizer, oh, and I hear a can opener would be good. As the months go on, I know specific toiletries, clothing items and other food will be on the list but that’s really it for now! Also, if you are thinking about sending one while we are still here in training, I would suggest this be the last week you send it out or we may not see it for months. J While we are in Namaacha, mail comes to the main PC office but once I am at my permanent site, I will have a specific address to my house. Since mail can take anywhere from 2-6 weeks to get here, I am thinking that if mail is sent after this week, it may not come until I am already at my site. If my site is nowhere near the PC office, I may not have a chance to pick it up for weeks.  So moral of the story is, if you are kind enough to want to send a package to us after next week, wait until we can provide our permanent address.  And, don’t forget the religious symbols! And, PS, we would love just good old fashion letters too!!!

I am super pumped today because I plan to go to a baking session at a current volunteer’s house. She is in her 3^rd year with Peach Corps and is often sharing her words of wisdom for how to live in Sub-Saharan Africa. Today’s topic is specifically on how to bake yummy baked goods very far away from the ovens we are used to.  A gal needs to satisfy her sweet tooth once in a while, especially when your diet consists of the same 10 staples (i.e. onions, carrots, rice, beans, etc.).  Yesterday, Chris got to partake in the joys of killing our dinner, a chicken. It’s definitely an experience he’ll have to share since it was pretty intense for him. For me, I was just surprised that I was able to watch!  At the end of the process, I was staring at the familiar chicken meat I was used to seeing wrapped up in the Styrofoam carton in the grocery store. It was fascinating to see what it takes to get to that point.  It definitely made me think of the different ways that animals could be killed for food, and there are ways to do it without making the animal suffer. I could probably write an entire blog on this topic but I will stop there!...As the weeks go on, I am continuing to make good friends, becoming more relaxed about learning the language, hiking the waterfalls of Namaacha and practicing English teaching techniques. We are starting to settle into our lives here a bit more but every day. For me, is still a rollercoaster of emotional highs and lows on an hourly basis. Here is a little tale about one of those rides…

As I mentioned in my last blog, Mama Maria is a tough Mozambican woman and is eager to teach us everything she knows about how to live in this country.  About 2 weeks ago, I was sensing a change in the way she was treating me. I was no longer the shiny new house guest; instead, I was starting to be closely observed. She wanted to see how I cut tomatoes on my own, if I boiled the water for my husband’s bath, how I set the table, etc. And many times, I was not doing it right in her eyes. But, I understand that I am here to learn from her and need to be open to her suggestions so I try not to let her (sometimes seemingly harsh) reactions bother me. Friday night however, the situation came to a head. Mama’s South African friend was staying over for the evening and joined Chris and I for dinner. We had met her once before a few weeks earlier.  She does not speak Portuguese, but can speak to Mama in the local language, Swazi, and to us in English. As soon as we sat down to eat, I could feel some sort of tension. Her eyes were fixated on my every move. As we started to serve ourselves, the South African Woman (who I will call SAW from here on out) said to me “You, you are so passive and your husband, he is so active”.  “Why do you say that?” I asked.  “I just always see your husband doing so much, setting the table, always doing things and you are more passive”. I knew where SAW was going, especially after knowing how Mama was feeling about me. I said “I wouldn’t quite say that, but ok”.  I decided to just let the moment pass and move on with the conversation. The rest of dinner was quiet, until I grabbed Chis’ plate to clear the dishes. SAW asks “So, who is going to do the dishes tonight?” Taken aback by this random question, I ask “What?”, she repeats the question but this time in very slow, annunciated  English. I tell her that I understood the question, but I want to know why she is asking. And then, she proceeds to tell me, “Because you are lazy”…Every part of my body started shaking with anger. I wanted to scream, cry, crawl in a hole and jump across the table all in that moment. Chris right away said, “Now wait a minute, there is no reason to be insulting here” at the same time I said, with hands shaking, “Lazy? I don’t think you have the right impression”. In the meantime, I am crushed, thinking about the fact that she has made this assumption from only 2 interactions with me and most likely, from also talking to my Mama who I would like nothing more than to make proud.  SAW continued, “Well, in my culture, the women do everything, they cook clean, etc., and the men just sit around.” Chris asked, “Well how does it make you feel that they just sit around?” She then said, with no expression and in a monotone voice, “I feel nothing.”… And that is when my emotions started to settle. The comment made me realize that these conversations are the reason I am here. These are the cultural juxtapositions I signed up to face. We went on to discuss how in America, things are different with married couples, not always, but generally men help out with things too.  We also explained that Chris has lived in other countries for years at a time, so this is very natural for him whereas for me, the adjustment and culture shock is more difficult.  Mama, in the meantime, did not understand what we were saying since we were speaking English, but I can only guess how SAW translated all of this to her later in Swazi.  We finished dinner, went into our bedroom, and I proceeded to have a little (ok, maybe big, cry). I journaled about it, I talked it out with Chris, and by the end of the night, I was able to sleep well. I feel like a stronger person from this experience because, first and foremost, I did not leave the table. I stayed and finished out the conversation. It took some of the most self-control I have ever had to not cry, freak out or leave. These are the moments that will make me stronger and feel like I can take on anything when I return.  Also, I am still here and with a smile on my face! I woke up the next morning and moved on with my day. I am testing my resiliency every day here, and opportunities are abound for self-reflection and improvement, something that I remind myself is not an easy experience to come by. But back to the topic at hand, the gender differences for married couples here in Mozambique. I may never gain the respect of SAW or more importantly, Mama because they see me as a lazy, spoiled American wife and that is ok. I need to be ok with that because I realize I will be coming up against that impression a lot here. I definitely thought because I was a married woman, I would have an easier time gaining respect in the community but I am finding the opposite to be true. In time, when I become more comfortable with who I am as the new African Laurie, I think I will be able to find the respect. In the meantime, with Chris’ guidance as a cross-cultural guru (I say again, he’s fitting in here like a glove!), I will do what I can to show Mama I want to learn from her, but I need to keep a part of the American Laurie too.